Weary

By Aaron Griffith

It’s been hours since I last thought of time. I have become lost here, somewhere between night and day. Here in this place, surrounded by my thoughts, within a realm void of time, lost to the world, I find solice. The silence, pristine and beautiful, is tainted only by the sounds of my breath and the desperate wailing of the blizzard outside.

My saturated mind, swollen with jagged memories, of heartache, and tragic questions, threatens to break. I take a breath and surrender, allowing the past to overtake me. I kneel here alone, surrounded by relics of my past, and the deafening pulse of a thousand unanswerable questions. My soul screams for silence, for answers, for healing. The pain is intense, but pure and necessary. I have come here, to this desolate place, to look my past in the eye. I have lured my demons here for atonement. I have come here to meet with Him.

I bow my face to the floor and my spirit begins to sing a sacred unutterable song, the sacred language of the human soul. As my heart cries out for Him, I am suddenly aware of His presence and I am overwhelmed. He is hard to describe. He is mysterious and dangerous, this Ancient Transcendent Cosmic Force, whose name can not be reduced into simple human words. He draws near and what I know of realty begins to skew. In His prescense, there is no conscious or unconscious, no dark or light, no time. I have become hyper-aware, as if my trichotomous existance of mind, body, and soul have now become one. Tears begin to flow from my eyes as my soul worships Him. His spirit melts with mine and He sings an ancient song over me. His voice envelops mine and my feeble heartsong is transformed into something beyond mere soundwaves. This is no sound that can be detected by my ear, rather a force that I feel within the very fabric of my existance. The demons, that have haunted me for so long, now writhe in agony and beg Him for mercy. For the first time I can see them as He sees them. With a unexpected sorrow, I look upon these once magnificent beings, now powerless, pitiful and defeated. With a word they are gone, and it is only us now.

He speaks with me like my oldest friend for what seems like hours. We talk of life and of love and of second chances. I feel Him smile as I share with Him my fears, and my dreams, and my hopes for the future. I begin to weep as I talk of my many failures. He shows me heart-wrenching scenes from my past from His point of view, and I apologize for my lack of faith. He smiles as I talk of my wife and little girls and thank Him for the undeserved blessings that He has given me. Through our sacred conversation, I realize that some questions aren’t meant to be answered in just a lifetime. We sit together for a while longer and then with a supernatural embrace, He is gone.

I open my eyes to find sunlight filling the living room of our small apartment. My eyes are bloodshot and weary, but my soul is refreshed. As the darkness fades away with the coming of the sun, my mind is captivated by my God. He is so immense, that even given the complexity of my mind, I still can not even begin to fathem His ways. In that, I find comfort.

Since 2003, Aaron Griffith has been a follower of Jesus Christ. He and his wife Rian have two beautiful girls & together they lead Isaiah 58:10 ministries sharing the transforming grace of Jesus by serving the needy in their community. Aaron also serves as a worship leader & Men’s Ministry leader.

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